Tribute to Alienated Mothers on Mother's Day
[And Why Using the Word Alienate Is Important]
Mother’s Day is celebrated in almost every country in the world, most on this second Sunday of May.
Motherhood has been celebrated in various ways for thousands of years, probably ever since humans evolved consciousness of the vital role mothers play in shaping society through the tremendous effort and love expended in the bearing and nurturing of children. Goddesses paying tribute to mothers were common.
Anna Jarvis, who initiated Mother’s Day in the U.S. in the early 1900’s, declared a mother to be "the person who has done more for you than anyone in the world".
This is a happy day for most mothers—but not so much for too many who’ve been alienated from their children via Family Court.
So today Women’s Coalition International is paying tribute to the thousands (millions?) of mothers who have had their children taken or alienated from them after attempting to maintain custody or protect their children in family courts around the world.
SOCIETAL SACROSANCTITY
Motherhood is a clear, incontrovertible, societal sacrosanctity.
Except in Family Court.
In Family Court, judges, along with their lackeys, violate the venerable status society has conferred upon motherhood. It is trampled on and demolished within the confines of a male-created court system, a cesspool of sexism where judges consistently disrespect, denigrate, discredit, and disempower mothers.
The importance of the mother as children’s primary attachment figure disappears in Family Court.
The necessity and irreplaceability of the maternal bond are denied or diminished in this discriminatory system. Fathers are extolled, even when they are abusive, self-serving or neglectful.
In the worst cases, judges are enabling fathers to alienate children from mothers.
Judges routinely enable fathers to alienate children from mothers. This occurs on a spectrum from indifference to estrangement.
A large majority of Custody Crisis cases involve maternal alienation. In an ongoing Custody Crisis Survey [link to participate] by Women’s Coalition International of 645 mothers to date, 35% were restricted to supervised visits and another 35% were not allowed any contact at all.
Children became completely estranged in an incredible 44%—nearly half!—of cases. In 39% children became hostile, in 26% indifferent, and in 31% sided with the father.
In 53% of cases involving alienation, it was a direct result of custody/visitation orders and in 54% it was due to judges allowing fathers to violate orders, with overlap between the two.
In a sort of cruel doublethink, false findings that mothers are alienating children from fathers are used by judges to justify taking children away from mothers and then fathers are enabled to truly alienate children from mothers. Society accepts this injustice due to Orwellian-like conditioning to believe that any mother who loses custody must be a liar or mentally ill, i.e. “bad or mad”.
A WORD ABOUT THE WORD ALIENATION
Because the word alienation elicits negative reactions in some mothers, a word about the word alienation is probably in order here.
For three decades, PPO’s [protective parent organizations] have pressured mothers to not utter the word alienation or the term parental alienation. They’ve been led to believe that the word/term is the problem and that banishing it from existence will stop judges from switching custody to fathers. But that is simply not true, as explained in a previous column “Down the Parental Alienation Rabbit Hole”. Judges can and do use a plethora of other terms to accomplish that agenda.
This ineffective solution is an unnecessary and harmful throwing the baby out with the bathwater. It deprives mothers who’ve been alienated from their children from using the word that best captures their lived experience.
Mothers are being encouraged to use other terms in its place, such as DV by proxy, coercive control, post-separation abuse, etc. But none captures the true meaning of the word alienation.
This can be confusing, so a Venn diagram may help clarify why alienation is not represented well by other terms.
[NOTE: This diagram is for visualization of relationships among terms; it is not quantitative.]
Post-separation abuse is any type of abuse that occurs after divorce or separation. As depicted in the diagram, parental alienation, DV by proxy, and coercive control are all types of post-separation abuse.
Coercive control is a pattern of coercive and controlling behavior and is one type of post-separation abuse. Coercive control can be exerted by exes themselves or as DV by proxy through anyone. It can be used as one part of an effort to alienate children from mothers.
DV by proxy is any kind of post-separation abuse inflicted via anyone else, including court officials. Alienation can be one form of DV by proxy when a judge is the one causing children to be alienated from the mother through custody or visitation orders.
Parental Alienation is a specific kind of abuse in which a parent deliberately turns a child against the other parent. It is just one type of post-separation abuse and DV by proxy. Alienation is sometimes achieved partially by coercive control tactics.
The important point is that parental alienation is distinct from these three and other terms. It is the only one that specifically describes the turning of children against the mother, the worst possible outcome.
Mothers’ experiences are better validated by using a word that says exactly what is being done to them by Family Court officials. Other terms just do not begin to convey the horror of alienation. Using the word alienation gives mothers power as they can clearly name the atrocity that is being committed against them in Family Court.
Also, using a word that everyone understands is crucial for communication with the media and public, family and friends. An upcoming column will go into more depth about why banning parental alienation is a bad idea.
TRIBUTE TO ALIENATED MOTHERS
Alienated mothers are invisible to larger society. Nobody came to rescue them. They have been disappeared. They anguish in silence. They have been ostracized. Society has been conditioned to believe a mother who’s lost custody or does not have a good relationship with her children is a bad mother, that it is her fault.
Many mothers have given up their lives as they knew it to fight for their children. Many have been imprisoned. Many have been bankrupted. Many have ended their lives because they could not bear the pain.
So this column serves as a tribute to alienated mothers, to shine light on and elevate their societal status. Their alienated children are better off for having had loving mothers in their lives as long as they did, even if their children do not presently recognize it.
Alienated Mothers are hereby officially recognized this Mother’s Day—and every day—for their immense love and brave efforts!
ACTIVISM
A COLLAGE is in the works as a tribute to alienated mothers. If you’d like to participate, you can send a photo of yourself to womenscoalitionintl@gmail.com, subject: “alienated mothers collage”. It will be posted on our website and in a future column.
TAKE THE CUSTODY CRISIS SURVEY [You may remain anonymous.]
COMMENT & SHARE this post to raise awareness.
UNITE: Mothers must stand united, support each other, and push back together against the false portrayals of them as liars, alienators, mentally ill, emotionally abusive, etc. in Family Court. Join Women’s Coalition International where women are uniting to take back the power to keep and protect their children.
You may also support the Coalition’s work through a one-time or recurring contribution through PayPal:
Alienation is the correct term. Abusive fathers deliberately turn children against their loving mothers. Children are traumatized. They are often isolated with their fathers, away from their mothers. Brainwashing begins when children are most vulnerable. Children then begin to identify with their fathers. Even when they love their mothers and have a good relationship, they may still see her as the one that is mentally ill. It doesn't seem to matter that many of these fathers have severe diagnosed psychiatric issues. Perhaps boys identify with fathers even more so. Many children continue to go back to fathers even in adulthood. Mothers may still get crumbs of time. Fathers get days, weeks and months. Mothers get hours, if they're lucky. The mother-child bond is still intact, but it has been damaged. Children live a lie that has been fabricated by an abusive father enabled by a family court judge. People are all too eager to embrace these lies. This further reinforces the negative light children begin to see their mothers in. Problems arise where there were none. Mothers endure cruel treatment in social and academic circles. They are often shunned. Mothers and children have a right to a loving relationship. This human right is continually violated in family in court. Abusive fathers deliberately turn children against their mothers. Judicial abuse of power allows it. Alienation is the correct term and must be used.
This is beautiful, I have deep gratitude that my children are with me , we were victims of that criminal court . My prayers are with all the moms without their babies today because of being victimized by the Probate Court ..