Double Bind Causes Mom to End Her Life: System at Fault

And: Update on Discrimination Lawsuit

Kiena was only 23 years-old and had not even stepped foot in a Family Court. Yet the double bind the system put her in is what ultimately caused her to take her own life.

In a suicide note, Kiena blamed her tormentor for murdering her; so did most people who followed her story and the prosecution of her abuser for manslaughter. The six week trial got a lot of attention in the UK and it concluded on Thursday.

The violent father of her child may have been the proximate cause of Kiena’s death. If he had been a loving, or just non-abusive, partner and father, she would surely still be here.

But the ultimate cause of her ending her life was the double bind she was trapped in by the system. If she stayed with the abuser father, she and her daughter would continue to be his victims; if she left him, she would likely lose custody of her child—either to him or the state.

Kiena’s mental health was fragile from being so badly abused and having to endure this no-win predicament. She simply could not deal with this inescapable double bind.

So she walked in front of a train to escape it all.

KIENA’S STORY

Kiena met Ryan in January of 2020 and by April he had asked her to marry him. She fell madly in love with him.

But by May he was already seriously abusing her. In one incident, he strangled her with a charger cable. In another, he threw a stool at her, called her names, and told her she should kill herself.

Then he apologized. As abusers do.

But the abuse continued. At one point, she told him, “You’ve f’ing terrorized me…You’re a bully.”

Then Kiena got pregnant. The abuse escalated and she finally told him she was leaving him. This is when Ryan starting telling her he will make sure she loses custody of the baby if she does.

In October 2021, she gave birth to their daughter, Marnie.

The abuse continued and is recorded in text messages and a sort-of diary Kiena kept about it on her phone. The abuse was so continuous and so horrific, we will not go into detail about all of it here. It’s hard to say which was worse, the emotional or physical violence.

In January of 2022, it got so bad that Kiena called the DV hotline begging for help.

In March, Ryan held her head under water, pretend drowning her. Kiena finally called the police and made a report, but his threats she would lose custody made her too afraid to pursue the complaint.

He kept telling me I would have my baby taken off of me.

On July 11th, things got really out of hand. Ryan “launched” her into a bathroom radiator, knocking it from a wall. Then he slammed a door in her face, cutting her head and knocking her unconscious.

When she came to, he was gone. She called emergency services and was brought to the hospital to treat her injuries.

Ryan was arrested but was immediately bailed out, as it was just “domestic” violence. Police told him not to contact her, but he continued to harass her anyway and the police did nothing. He said he would make sure she lost custody of Marnie if she did not drop the complaint.

By July 22nd, just ten days after the assault that landed her in the hospital, Kiena could not take it anymore. She brought Marnie to a friend’s house and walked in front of a train.

She said in her suicide note: “I was Murdered.” She said she wanted Marnie “kept away from the monster who is called her dad”.

She apologized to Marnie in the note, saying she had tried to stay alive to protect her but was not able to.

I tried my hardest to stay with you, to keep you safe…But I couldn't, I couldn't protect you…I am going to miss you so much...Good night and I am sorry.

RIP Kiena

THE MANSLAUGHTER TRIAL

Ryan was indicted for causing Kiena’s death due to his ongoing violence. He was the first defendant in the UK to be tried before a jury for the unlawful killing of his partner after her suicide. There was one other case like it, but the abuser pled out, so it did not go to trial.

Ryan was charged with manslaughter, assault, and ongoing domestic violence. The six-week trial concluded on Monday.

Ryan was convicted on Count 1 for coercive and controlling behavior, i.e. continual emotional abuse. He was convicted on Count 2 for one physical assault, the last one that put Kiena in the hospital.

Unfortunately, he was acquitted on Count 3—manslaughter. Kiena had written in her suicide note that Ryan killed her, but apparently at least one juror thought that there was not enough evidence to find him guilty beyond a reasonable doubt.

At sentencing on Thursday, Judge Robert Altham gave the abusive POS the obligatory dressing down due to all the media attention on this case. He said, “You left her unconscious on the floor with your daughter." And “It’s a significant aggravating factor that you assaulted her in the presence of your daughter.” And “You are a clear danger to any partner you have in the future.”

Altham even cited the custody threat: “Knowing of her fragile mental health, you repeatedly told her to kill herself. You told her that if she spoke out about your abuse of her, her child would be taken from her.”

But, despite all this bluster, and his assertion there were absolutely no mitigating factors, the judge still sentenced Ryan to only six years, half the maximum. Which means he will probably be out in three.

Despicable.

TAKEAWAYS

First, there is concern about whether Kiena’s family can keep Marnie after Ryan gets out of prison. He can file for custody the minute he’s released—if he wants.

Because the system is designed so fathers can get custody no matter how violent they are, he just may. That is a main reason the criminal court judge should have given Ryan the maximum sentence—to ensure Marnie at least gets to her teen years before being put under his control. But children are not what judges care about, obviously.

The main takeaway from Kiena’s story is that if she hadn’t been justifiably terrified her baby would be taken from her if she left Ryan, she would most likely still be alive. So her story is not just, nor primarily, about domestic violence, with the abuser being the villain (and the police to a certain extent)—as it is playing out in the media.

Although the abuse was horrific, that most important part of Kiena’s story is not getting any traction. Nobody is talking about the real villain—the system(s). The ultimate cause of Kiena’s death was the double bind she was put in because systems with power over children are designed so men have the power to take (or cause to be taken) her child. That is what led to Kiena giving up and ending her life.

Ryan was fully aware of his power as a man to either take Marnie from Kiena himself or cause her to be taken away by the state. He made good use of this power bestowed upon him by the system(s). He continually threatened Kiena she would lose her precious baby if she left—the sharpest arrow in a man’s quiver.

This demonstrates that power is the core issue, not abuse. First, the father has the power to take women’s children, and second, the state has the power to take them if the man does not want them himself but wants them taken from her. The bottom line is: women have no power to keep or protect their children—by design.

So Kiena’s awful story is essentially about power, not violence. It is about the power men and the state have to take women’s children and the power women do not have to keep or protect them.

Women must unite and take our power back!

Join The Women’s Coalition.

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UPDATES

DISCRIMINATION LAWSUIT

We will be posting weekly updates about our Discrimination against Women in Family Court lawsuit here on Women’s Coalition News & Views, so be sure and subscribe or check in if you have signed up for it.

Our Sisters in Solidarity forum yesterday was opened up to all moms who’ve signed up for the lawsuit, so we had a huge crowd. There was an informational talk about the lawsuit, questions were answered, and there was lots of discussion about it.

Thanks to everyone who participated and to everyone who’s signed up for the lawsuit. If you missed our forum yesterday, you can come to the next one on February 15th, but you will need to sign up for Sisters in Solidarity, the activist arm of The Women’s Coalition.

There has been a great response to the announcement last week of our newly revised discrimination lawsuit. Over 300 mothers have signed up since last Sunday. And we have over 1200 mothers who’ve signed up in the past. It isn’t clear yet what the overlap is, but it looks like we have enough mothers in every state to file the lawsuit.

The Women’s Coalition has a draft complaint ready—we just need attorneys to file it in each state. So the main activism needed is to spread the word about the lawsuit and look for civil rights attorneys willing to take it in each state.

UPDATE: We are now accepting mothers who want to be anonymous. Just put that in the comment section of the form.

Please encourage all mothers who have been discriminated against in Family Court to read the column and sign up for the lawsuit by filling out this form.

We have a gofundme set up that will be used to pay the attorneys. Please consider donating if you can and ask others to as well. The more we get, the more states we can file in.

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NEXT SECTION OF CHAPTER 28 IS OUT!

In this next section of Chapter 28, Herry enlists a couple from Legion’s Quaker community to aid him in his scheme to torture her. Her boys show up at two different events. One is a funeral for her good friend and the other an Easter gathering. She is surprised and thrilled each time and runs to hug her sons, but the “Flunks”, Herry’s “lackey-gophers”, will not allow her near them. Herry relishes this power to make her suffer—for refusing to abide his authority, his sexual addiction and his abuse of her and the boys.

But at least Legion is still seeing her boys occasionally on the sly. Then she gets a call from the Flunks. She is told to come to their house that night if she wants to see her boys one last time—for 15 minutes. She is utterly shocked and begs them to tell her where they are going and how long they will be gone, but they won’t—they work for Herry.

In the last section, Legion ponders how Herry could have been given total legal control of the boys. She bemoans how she is not even being allowed supervised visits, when judges commonly order visitation with abusive and criminal fathers, even when they are in prison, and even when they have murdered the mother. She warns women who are contemplating separation from the “sources of spermatozoa” that they have a good chance of becoming the “next mothers fucked”.

CHAPTER 28 of Mother-Fucking: The Saga of One Fucked Mother begins with Act III, Part 4 of “The Opera” from Book 3. The Opera has three Acts with five Parts—one for each of the three Family Court and two Appellate Court trials. Chapter 28 covers all of Act III: Part 4: the third Family Court trial and Part 5: the second Appellate trial. [This is a long chapter and will be published in newsletter-sized bites.]

Dr. Blue’s novel is based on her own experience of the Custody Crisis. It uniquely conveys how Family Court judges are “mother-fucking” women—a form of systemic oppression—as protagonist Legion is systematically and methodically deprived of her children and money and reduced to “one fucked mother”.

Chapters are stand-alone interesting so you can begin reading anywhere. A Cast of Characters follows to help readers at any point [on the web page]. All published chapters are included in the Section: “Saga of One F**ked Mother” accessible on the top bar of the home page of Women’s Coalition News & Views. Sequential chapters are published every Wednesday so make sure to subscribe if you haven’t yet!

TEASERS

Commonly Herry would bait me, set me up for disappointment or heartbreak or just whatever plain pain he figured the set‑up may inflict upon me; and as he did so much with Mehitable so, too, he particularly chose the Quakers and singularly there the Flunks.

…none of these preparatory negotiations had included me in any way, except to especially keep me fully and ‘quite clearly’ … in the dark. The Flunks’ role was merely that of lackey‑gofers in Herry’s inflictive fuck of bait and switch so as to the Boys to keep Dr. Legion True in hers: that of Invisible Mother.

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